So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs. "Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
I've lost 7lbs this week.
Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".
A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day
I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!
“How much wood have you chopped?”
“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.
He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee thanks, grandpa."
"Why are you calling me grandpa?"
"Because I didn't find it yeterday."
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?
He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"
A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.
The sign read:
A sale of two titties
What does D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
To anyone who has a problem with pedophiles:
Grow up.
What do you call a sneaky cow?
Invisibull.
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
Who is the greatest?
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
What do nervous carpenters do?
Bite their nails
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?
Because they are all Targets.
When life closes a door
Open it back up; sort of how doors work.
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
So today, someone stole my Mood Ring.....
I honestly don't know how to feel about it.
90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga
And 100% of men dont care.
I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...
My personal spell Czech.