So my mate was welding the other day
While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.
Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.
Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.
After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"
"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"
"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"
Ventriloquist: yeah I do ventriloquism
Me: how good are you?
Me: the best
Me: wtf
Dear Americans, As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.
Greetings from Europe!
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
I've got 69 problems.
My girlfriend is a midget.
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
Saudi Arabia’s gay pride anthem
“We will! We will! Rock you!”
In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .
It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.
You could hear the gunshots.
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
Last night they held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.
Nobody came.
I was going to post a Michael Brown joke..
..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.
What happens when you call a duck?
His phone wings
President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19
Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?
One of them can feed a family.
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama
One Mississippi
My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago.
Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside.
Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure?
Because i'd put a baby in you