I jokes

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

What do Caitlyn Jenner and Wolverine have in common?

They are both X-Men.

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had fours doors they would be chicken sedans.

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self harmony

"Talk dirty to me!"she begged.

"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

A man is standing on a tall ledge.

A physicist yells from the street, "Don't jump! You have too much potential!"

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

If online bullying has taught us anything.....

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight!!

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

All countries eventually got coronavirus

But China got it right off the bat.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.