I jokes

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"

The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."

The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."

The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.

Have you seen the photo of me and REM?

That's me in the corner.

So if “Ani” is short for Anakin, and “Ben” is short for Obi-Wan... and “Fives” is short for CT-27-5555... and “Artoo” is short for R2D2... and “Chewie” is short for Chewbacca... What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

After sex, a girl once told me I had a small penis. She was cool, though. She never told any of her friends...

She never told anyone. Anything. Ever. Again.

Why was the mathematician late for work?

He took the rhombus.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..

.. this isn't for me.

What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.