Lesbian jokes

What do lesbian pirates say while having sex?

“Scissor me timbers”

If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?

Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.

IKEA Lesbian beds

Now on sale at IKEA –Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither. They eat out.

I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.

There’s no home cooking in lesbian households

only eating out

Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority?

They don't like Dicks...

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do lesbians and politicians have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

An old drunk was at the bar when...

He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.

The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.

A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs

I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.

She said, "Yeah..."

I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

What do you call a Persian lesbian?

A flying carpet muncher.

I'm so sorry.

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.

I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?"

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Same time next month (with finger guns)

A guy wanks into a bar.

He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,

"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."

One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.

"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."

"What's that?" asks the guy.

"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.

To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."