A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks
. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.
Why is Korea the greenest county in the world?
It's full of Parks.
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."
I was walking in the park...
..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.
God do I love my new taser.
What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?
A bench can support a family.
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid
Guess that makes it Priustoric
What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?
It gets tau'd.
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend" The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?
He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"
Two old guys were chatting in the park.
"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.
I said to my doctor I might have ADHD.
M: I said to my doctor, "I think I might have ADHD, because I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works"
M: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says
"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"
Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."
The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?
Little Tony shakes his head and says
"No, he minded his own fucking business!"
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?
He parks his car, man.
What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car?
Peter Parker
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.
A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”
Three Nuns sitting on a park bench
When a man runs up and flashes them.
Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.
I was recently complimented on my driving skills
Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"
Three old women were sitting on a park bench...
...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.
"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.
She said, "Yeah..."
I said, "It's 9pm and my house."