Eating out

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?

His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”

I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food

I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

What do you call eating ass on an airplane?

Skyrim

There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!

It's made out of mole asses

They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago

Little did they know i can

When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.

When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.

When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick