Light jokes

Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?

Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.

I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child...

The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, "Degree, wait for me!" I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?" The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead."

The Pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

The Optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Realist sees the approaching freight train.

The Train Driver sees 3 idiots about to get run over...

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar

Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

did you know light travels faster than sound?

That's why people look bright until they talk

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?" Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb?

None. Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.