Brother

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.

My brother David had his ID stolen

Now he's just Dav

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

Angry Mom.

Last night, I was trying to annoy my little brother. I kept tickling his feet... and my Mom went fucking crazy and screamed: "WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S FUCKING BORN!?!?"

My autistic brother just told me this one lmao.

Him: What's the most autistic vegetable?

Me: What?

Him: ice-sperg lettuce!

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

I got a PS5 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

I saw an ISIS video, and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

So my friend is dating twins...

...And I said, "Isn't it hard to tell them appart?" He replied with, "Well not really, the brother has a moustache."

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My brother who has a stutter got life in prison

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence

Why is Thor's brother always overlooked?

Because he's low key.

Little Johnny, the magician's son

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolteacher.

"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."