Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!
Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?
Boy: I won it in a race.
Dad: Nice! How many people were there?
Boy: Ummm . . . two others
Dad: Who were they?
Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember
Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them
Boy: Well, there was me . . .
Dad: And . . .?
Boy: The store owner and the police
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
Men need to start going to target to meet women
The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"
What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?
Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.
What did Kim Jon Un say when his father died?
Looks like his Korea is over
After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now...
But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.