A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
I call my penis Tom Cruise.
It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.
Marital expectations
Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.
After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
A guys walks into a bar...
...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.
"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.
"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.
"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.
"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"
Apparently people think that I am condescending
(that means I look down on people)
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.
I don't even let my wife do that.
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.
The child didn't look surprised.
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
A Greek and a Italian are having a beer.
The Greek Says "You know, we invented sex." Then the Italian turn's and looks at him. "Well we brought women into it."
I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."
Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"
Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"
Wife: -"Yes I promise"
Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"
So, I went to the doctor...
She asked "What brings you here today?"
I replied "My car."
And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"
Chiromancer: "Never."
Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."
Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"