Machine jokes

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv? - No. - Did you take Harkiv? - No - What did you take then? - A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But catscan

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says they've invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until the machine is at 100%. The man still feels nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week.

He’s fully recovered now.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father and son!”

The machine quickly hit her.

Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.