Man jokes

My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

One day, a cowboy rode into town.

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"

The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

A man walks into the store to buy condoms

Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?

Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.

Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

A man was locked out of his apartment

He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?

It's the pastryarchy.

Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A Man and a Giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order shot after shot after shot. Eventually, the giraffe passes out falling off his stool. As the man gets up to leave, the bartender says "hey you can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man responds, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Clock Shop

So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs." That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?