Apartment

“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”

I told my friend.

He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”

“ why should I ?”

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.

Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

A man was locked out of his apartment

He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.

It's sad how families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.

My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'

I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.

The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."