Man jokes

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The Invisible man!

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."

Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"

"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

How can you tell a man from a woman

Well, there's not really a vas deferens

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....

It's a Shitzu

A man lost his penis in a car accident...

He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...

The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."

A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.

"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."

"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.

The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"

She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"

Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"

She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"

What is the most sensitive thing on a man when he is masturbating?

His hearing.

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"

When i was younger i felt like a man trapped inside woman’s body.

Then i was born

My grandpop always used to say "The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more"...

...great man. Terrible anesthesiologist.

President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda." Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness. "Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant. Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks, "How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."