Me jokes

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.

What's different between Trump and the Lannisters?

A Lannister always pays his debts.

I just opened an explosive prayer mat business.

Prophets are through the roof.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops"

My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week...

And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I just got a futuristic coffee maker.

It was a ground-breaking development.

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

Would the person who schedules the girls at a brothel...

...be called the whore-ganizer?

I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.

If *she* runs, it's a girl.

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Yesterday I tried to set my new password as "beefstew"

It said the password was not stroganoff...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets