Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support meeting...
So I just came in my pants.
A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
If I had a dollar for every gender
I’d have 2 dollars and a pocket full of counterfeits.
What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair
I wish my girlfriend went down as much...
as the pound did last night.
Why would anyone want to be a masochist?
Beats me
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...
"Substitooths".
What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
The first woman on the Moon...
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."
I've just been on Trip Advisor
Absolutely no help about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee
I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid....
I can stop any time I want.
How did Christopher Columbus find India?
He used Apple Maps.
