Me jokes

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

What did the Russian say when she was turned on?

I am soviet

I took my Biology exam last Friday

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

There’s a band called 1023MB

They haven’t had any gigs yet

Why is Joseph jealous of Jesus ?

Because Jesus has a second coming while Joseph didn't even get a first.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag

You can hide but you can't run

I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day...

It was Risky Business.

An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.

Barman: Oh, you must be American. American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh? Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.

I dont get it

If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Boss's daughter!

Employee: Sir, you called me?

Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more.

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.

A limbo champion walks into a bar

He's disqualified

Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

Have you ever had sex while camping?

Its fucking intense.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

What is Thanos favourite social media?

Obviously Snapchat