Me jokes

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

Today, I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor man. The joy I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket was indescribable.

Suicide is wrong, but if you yell "parkour" while jumping off a bridge, it's a failed stunt.

My girlfriend left me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor

The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

What do Jesus and floppy discs have in common?

They died to become the icon of saving.

Who rings a doorbell three times? Indiends aring aging aging

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!

My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."