As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...
The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)
A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"
Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?
I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...
I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.
tattoo of a $100 bil
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?
Just start giving them bad grades.
Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.
For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Blind Man
A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden he starts swinging the dog around in the air by its leash.
One of the store clerks run up to him and yells, "What are you doing!?"
The blind man replies," I'm just taking a look around."
I just saw my first porno...
And damn I looked good back then.
Did you know if you jumble up the letters of "Postmen"
They get really angry!
I have a lot of anti-vax jokes
In my family
“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”
I told my friend.
He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”
“ why should I ?”
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, obviously. How they got inside the lightbulb is the part I don't understand...
Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?
Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her
Why can't they make CSI: Alabama?
Because all the DNA is the same
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder
I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .