Kid's know far too much these days...
This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"
I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."
At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed...
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...
Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...
...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"
She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."
I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
I like to start every morning with a good fuck.
Oh fuck...it's time to get up.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Joke told in the Soviet Union
(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)
A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies “Morning or afternoon?” The dealer says “Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make?” The man replies “Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.”
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
What do you call a German barber?
Herr Kutz
(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up son. It's time to got to school!" "But mom, I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why." "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!" "That's no reason. Come now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go?" "Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
I made a chicken salad this morning.
Stupid thing didn't even eat it.
My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.
He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"
"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.
"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."
My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.
Stupid boobie traps.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?
He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex
Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.