Myself jokes

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

What's the difference between a raver and a chemist at a club?

One drops acid while the other drops the base.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Because she can't find the eleven.

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.

A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical

‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’

I hate French people

They give me the crepes

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”

A man walks into a bar with a gun

And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"

I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus

And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

How do you surprise a blind man?

You leave the plunger in the toilet.

I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.