Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'
You disturbed the first part of this funeral.
Just let us do the rest in peace.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released
UB40 now.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.
Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.
Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel?
Because he didn't like DC...
My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.
Serves him right.
Kim Kardashians ass did not break the internet
It just left a big CRACK in it...
The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.
(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)
So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'
I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...
Enough is Enough!
No like seriously they're the same word.
How to win the war on drugs
1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
A man was locked out of his apartment
He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.
Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
Two scientists walk into a bar...
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"
The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."
The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed