Smoke

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...

He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess." When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"

"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."

"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"

"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."

"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"

"Twenty-five".

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?

I decided to only smoke after sex.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile

Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.

"Okay," his date replied.

"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.

"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use Lubricant.

Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.