Myself jokes

They call my dick 'the landmine'...

because the second anyone touches it, it explodes :(

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!

You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it......

He's gay, definitely gay.

My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes

So I got a vasectomy

Biology Joke

When a plant is sad, what do other plants do?

Photosympathize

I got a free iPad and iPhone today.

It's like... this gun is magic!!!

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.

What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?

"I'd tap that."

My friends told my my clothes were gay

I told them yes, they came out of the closet this morning

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

My mother has a thick Russian accent...

... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.

For instance "want" sounds like "vant."

Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"

The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."

Two goats are eating garbage

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he's done, the second one asks, "how did you like the movie?"

The first one responds, "it was OK, but I liked the book better."

They used to be called "Jumpolines"

Till your mother had a go.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.