Myself jokes

My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet...

Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

What do we want? Ominous warnings! When do we want 'em?

Soon.

A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.

"ephedrine?"

"I can't serve you that"

"sudoephedrine"

"There you go".

how do you know you are a real redneck?

you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"

Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder disaster.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

A guy wanks into a bar.

He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,

"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."

One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.

"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."

"What's that?" asks the guy.

"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.

To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"

"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

A rapist, a sexist and a racist walk into a bar

Barman: How can I help you Mr. President?

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women