"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...
A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.
The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.
We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, “I’m gay and I don’t care who knows it!”
He must have been really drunk, because he’s been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.
•••
Happy National Coming Out Day!
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?
An ill eagle immigrant...
A man had a portal to a secret world in his house
Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.
I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...
There was a lot riding on me.
Bob the builder meets a pretty lass in the bar
He says to her, “I have an 8 inch dick and can fuck all night.” After a few drinks she takes him home and they fuck. The next day she says to him “You said your dick was 8 inches long and you could last all night. Instead, your dick was 5 inches and you only lasted 3 minutes!” He replies, “I’m a builder love, it’s only an estimate.”
Last night they held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.
Nobody came.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...
...then it dawned on me.
Angry Mom.
Last night, I was trying to annoy my little brother. I kept tickling his feet... and my Mom went fucking crazy and screamed: "WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S FUCKING BORN!?!?"
Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? ' " I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence. You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.