Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.
I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."
So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'
I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...
...a night in, shining armor.
I made some fish tacos last night...
They just swam away and ignored them.
I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....
I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture.
My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.
Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."
A thief broke into my house last night
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
Sex could be fatal...
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.
Marital expectations
Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.
After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”