A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it
What's the difference between red and green?
Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!
My Wife was dying
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1...2...3...4...5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?
There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says they've invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until the machine is at 100%. The man still feels nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction
On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.
The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.
A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.
He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"
Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those?"
Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"
My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...
He asks, "how much for full sex?"
"$50" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing. It just waved.
A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness
Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
A thief stole a toilet from the police station.
At this point they have nothing to go on.