A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks
. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
The first woman on the Moon...
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.
I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!
She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?
I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada
She meant nothing to me
A Seventh Grade Health Class
was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"
So a man orders a dozen margaritas.
A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.
The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"
The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."
The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"
The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.
And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.
A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child. So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,
Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...
Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...
...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"
She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."
Never marry a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"
The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.
Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day
And it's even better if the uber has heated seats
Today, I got pulled over by a female cop.
I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.
She said "NOTHING!"
My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know
I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.
My boss calls me "the computer".
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I asked my dog what two minus two was...
He said nothing
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”
The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?
Nothing.