Once jokes

Tim, the 68-year old virgin died yesterday.

He never got to 69.

I've been in jail 5 minutes and already got raped twice

I'm fucking done playing monopoly with my dad.

My wife left me because I bought the new Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

...it was time for a Switch.

My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could crash on my couch.

I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!

I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

My boyfriend admitted to me that he's a dom

I always pegged him as a sub.

What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?

You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.

What is the most common use for pig skins?

To keep the pig in one piece.

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

So there I was, staring at Medusa's boobs when she said "HEY! My eyes are up here buddy!"...

But I was already rock hard

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"

As always, I was impressed...

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus

but later decided to let it go.

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

I met a lovely lady last night.

Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.

And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?

He just couldn’t resistor.

If a man opens the car door for his wife

You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.