A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.
"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.
"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."
"No one does. That's how it survives."
Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base....
eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!
If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?
**It’s quite urgent**
I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”
Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got the right hole”
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
Bunny
A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"
The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my illegal logging business is a success.
What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?
They should allow guns at the Republican convention
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
What is a pirate's favourite letter?
He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.
Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?
They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.
How do one-handed people put on gloves?
They don't, they put on glove.
A Genie grants a wish.
I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.
The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
Three Nuns sitting on a park bench
When a man runs up and flashes them.
Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.
Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
Father: “Son, you were adopted.” SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"