Computer

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.

Know what’s ironic?

A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,

but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer

I saw it through my telescope last night.

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

What's the difference between an American and a computer?

American don't have trouble shooting.

My boss calls me "the computer".

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

What was the Neo Nazi's favorite computer game?

Mein Kraft

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I don't like my computer memory.

Not one bit.

Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving

A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts. "Hey!" she says. "Those are private!" The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?

A cursor!

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Why was the middle aged computer sad?

He had a floppy disc.