I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember
Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?
She said no one told her to do it.
I broke all my fingers on one hand..
On the other hand, I'm fine.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,
because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said, "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said, "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said, "And what about the smell???"
The husband replied, "Just block the fish's nose...."
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.
A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.
So there's these two beavers...
one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.
Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"
Relativity theory
In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
One, me, I'm the only fucker that seems to do anything round here
Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.
One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”
Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week?
I guess it's because they're great whites...
A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss
One of the many perks of self employment.
Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,
How do you drive this thing?
What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.
So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?
... and I'm fucking him, and I'm fucking him ...
... and I'm fucking him ...
... and then I reach around, and he's ***HARD***.
And I'm like ***SHIT THIS GUY IS A FAG!***
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I like to tell that one whenever the conversation stops at a party.
A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”
One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...
This story sounds kind of ridiculous...
Dozen tit.