penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Safe Driving
Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!
Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.
Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!
Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...
One kid in three dumpsters
Two morgue workers are talking...
They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."
"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."
"What? She had a huge clitoris?"
"No, it was really sour."
I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window
"Wanted: Apprentice"
So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.
He said "I had to fire him"
I asked "why?"
He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"
"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"
He said "I fired her as well"
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?
One.
But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"
The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.
When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"
Two gay men are walking down the street. One of them is wearing a very flashy shirt.
A woman approaches and says, "oh my gosh, I love your top!"
The man replies, "thank you! I love him too!"
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
What’s the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?
One is a superhero and the other is a command.
(Be gentle its my first joke)
Latvian Joke.
What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.
He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?
The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.
The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?
The marine says: No sir.
One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.
General:Where are your balls marine?
Marine: In vietnam
They said that my dad was gay.
Now I am trying to figure out which one.
Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?
Because all the good ones Argon.