One jokes

If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

My autistic brother just told me this one lmao.

Him: What's the most autistic vegetable?

Me: What?

Him: ice-sperg lettuce!

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

What's the difference between a raver and a chemist at a club?

One drops acid while the other drops the base.

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Good Kid!

A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"

His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

One came, one saw, and one conquered.