Other jokes

What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

I hate spheres.

Why do they even exist? There’s no point.

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

A lady walked Into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist

She asks the pharmacist if he has viagra. "I sure do" he responds. "Does it actually work?". "Of course it does." He responds. "Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.

"I can if I take two".

Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...

Bartender says get your shots here

What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?

Cut in line.

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

I shit my pants the other day.

Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.

I found a pen that writes underwater

It writes other words too

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.