Pants

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

5 penises

A man visits his doctor and tells him,

"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!"

To which the doctor replies,

"5 penises! How do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove!"

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

A man walks into the doctor's office and immediately drops his pants....

The doctor sees a small leaf of lettuce hanging from the man's anus. (Rather redundantly) he asks "What seems to be the problem here?" "Oh doc," the man replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

Why did the snowman take his pants off?

He heard the snow blower was coming.

Khakis

In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

I shit my pants the other day.

Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”

I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

I'm banned from my local dry cleaner

All I did was ask them if I could drop my pants and jacket off

What’s worse than ants in your pants?...

Uncles

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

Got in trouble at a gender reveal party today

Apparently pulling my pants down is not what they had in mind.

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!”

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”.

The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”.

I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

I went to a gender reveal party.

It wasn't quite what I thought it would be.

My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.