Other jokes

My sister bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face as I was drivin pasta!

"Hey man, can I borrow your chloroform?"

"Sure! Knock yourself out."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Deja.

Deja who?

Knock, knock.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."

There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too.

One too.

What do you call dynamite that do not explode?

TN'T

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

What do boobs and the sun have in common?

You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.