Paper jokes

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

Have you heard the joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

A cowboy is buying condoms.

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says. "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier. "Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

Life is like toilet paper,

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...

My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!" I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"

I've just found an origami porn channel!

But it's paper view only :(

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".

Didja hear the joke about the piece of paper ripped in half?

It's tearable.