Picture jokes

Are you a photo biographer? Because I can picture us together.

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Hi Lads.

Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Merry Christmas..

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

Rorschach

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.

“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...

She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.

COW!

SHEEP!

When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.

"It has horns" She said

But the class was silent

"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"

Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"

I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields.

They still came out pretty grainy.

Yo momma is so fat....

That I pictured her in my head and that bitch broke my neck...

Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am... Independent!

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.