So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.
"Pullover!" he screamed.
"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."
A car gets pulled over
Policeman: "sir, you were driving above the speed limit here. Give me your licence".
Man:" this must be a mistake. I was driving below the speed limit. I always do..."
Woman: "Darling, you know it isn't true".
Man: "shut up you stupid cunt".
Policeman: "sir, license please".
Man: "I already told you I wasn't overspeeding".
Woman: "it was way above the speed limit, dear".
Man: "I told you to shut up woman."
Policeman: "ma'am, does this man mistreat you?".
"only when he is drunk".
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...
He asks, "how much for full sex?"
"$50" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me: "still in training, huh?"
Policeman: "What do you mean?"
Me: "nevermind"
What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?
wii-u
wii-u
wii-u
wii-u
heh
Larry at the police station
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
A redneck is pulled over by a policeman...
Policeman: Got any ID?
Redneck: About what?
A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.
"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man
"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman
The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket
Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”