A kid is selling lemonade...
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...
it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.
Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty
Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying
An old woman reaches the end of her life..
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?
Hit and run is a felony.
I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass
Then I realized that it was my car..
9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.
They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.
The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.
She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, all the Blondes clap.
I was thinking...
If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?
But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.
