Don't drive like my brother...
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
A drunk man walks into a bakery...
He approaches the baker and says "I fucked your mother!"
On which the baker replies "Go home dad"
My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke
I replied “sure”
They said “me too”
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.
"I'm a turtle," the man replies.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"
A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.
"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'
'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'
Two gay men are walking down the street. One of them is wearing a very flashy shirt.
A woman approaches and says, "oh my gosh, I love your top!"
The man replies, "thank you! I love him too!"
Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops
The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies “No, but I know where I am.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
A little girl comes home with $20
And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.
Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:
“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”
Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.
“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”
Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:
“It’s dead.”
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.”
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.”
Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
A man walks into a bar with a gun
And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!"
A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"
One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs
She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'
During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'
