A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood
My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door
Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...
...has shitty time
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate, " I think therefore I am."
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Guy gets pulled over by the cops.
Cop: It seems you have been drinking.
Could you say the alphabet starting with "M".
Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."
I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday.
Got to say....not a big fan.
Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.
In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.
Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.
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Wanted to update an oldie but goodie to modern times.
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..
I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...
Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...
...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"
She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."
They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.
Apparently you aren’t one of them.
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road
They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"
I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...
Something inside me says, yes.
Perfect on the spot SFW joke
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."
You know they say orange is the new black
I guess that's why Trump is president
A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.
Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.
"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."
"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.
The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!