Little Timmy was annoyed by his father
because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.
And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.
Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ever could.
So the next time his father made the same comment Little Timmy very loudly said - Uncle Jim has been deeper in her than you ever could.
You racist!
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the currency exchange was getting irritated at the teller.
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”
Latvian Joke.
What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...
... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”
The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis
The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”
The man says “Why?”
The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?
Tastes like ass.
A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.
He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?
The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.
The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?
The marine says: No sir.
One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.
General:Where are your balls marine?
Marine: In vietnam
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word?
Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"
2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven
They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2: “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
An amnesiac walks into a bar...
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Topless carwash
So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’
Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’
The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.
Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
If you say a number loud enough its value increases.
* 5 = 5 * 5! = 120
A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...
He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.
A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.
Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:
“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”
Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.
“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”
Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:
“It’s dead.”
Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first
It’s ok i will come inside..
Your momma so old...
You should call her and check in. Just say hello. Tell her you love her.
Not saying my Ex was fat
But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.
An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.
Well, tell him I can't see him right now.