Number

What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.

53 is a prime number.

Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.

How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

My dental surgery is this Friday!.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks. When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. "Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

You know what I find odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.

If you say a number loud enough its value increases.

* 5 = 5 * 5! = 120

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"

Words can't describe how beautiful someone is...

But numbers can. 4/10

When I’m bored I text a random number: "I hid the body... now what?"

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

Why is the number 10 traumatized?

It was in the middle of 9/11

My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My friend told me to stop speaking in numbers...

but I didn't 1 2.

I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.