Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"
Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those?"
Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”
What did the suicide bomber instructor say...
I'm only going to show you this once.
I'm an auto mechanic...
So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.
But I do understand the Trans mission.
Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.
I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.
Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man
It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in
“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”
The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”
The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”
The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”
“No, just one.”
The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?!"
Say what you like about Donald Trump
You know... while you still can.
A magician is having sex with a woman and he cums inside her.
The woman gets angry over this and yells at him "why the fuck would you cum inside me!!?"
Magician says "psyche! Check your ear!"
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:
“Ice Stand, Corrected”
A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...
He asks, "how much for full sex?"
"$50" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"
A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”
Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.
But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.
Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”