She jokes

Welcome to invisibility class.

I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.

A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven

They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”

St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”

The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”

The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”

St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”

What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?

Casual tea

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At the second hand store!

BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

I don't always tell Dad jokes,

but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

My grandfather was a baker in the army...

...he went in all buns glazing.

Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.

The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"

That was the punch line.

Bob told me he could never kill an animal.

He's more of a people person.

What do you call fapping to dubstep?

Wubbing one out.

I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

Don't trust atoms, no matter what.

They make up everything.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

How can you identify a good farmer?

He's out standing in his field.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"