The pilot gets ready for the flight
"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'
The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.
**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum
**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...
Will get a free Venti later
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
My hot flight attendant asked how I liked my coffee.
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "that's cute honey, but the coffee is free. You don't have to pay for it here"
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Coffee
When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
Really? I have the exact opposite.
Wow, seriously?
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"
Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks
And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.
This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead
My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....
So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”
A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.
His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but
yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?
Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.
Today is Abdul's farewell party.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
I said ... "I drink it"
I just got a futuristic coffee maker.
It was a ground-breaking development.
I like my coffee how i like my women
WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM JESSICA YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!
Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.
What's black and doesn't work?
Decaf coffee
I like my coffee like how I like my slaves
Free
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."
I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me